beat by beat |

conversations.

oh hey!

so there are some things on my work tumblr that i still don’t want my audience to see. so here we go.

There’s still a strange feeling I have from W, and it’s something I want to take caution about… I also need to learn how to trust God with this situation.

When a grown man starts connecting with a 21 year old, there’s just a couple of things society teaches us to be careful about. Which is ironic because we were just talking about societal constructs yesterday…

Do I trust him? Yes, with certain things. Do I trust him to NOT go down that road? No. His past is reflective.

Lord, I lift this up to you in prayer, because I don’t know what to do with this. That’s a bad reason, as I should lift up everything to you.. thanks for that reminder.

Lord, the conversations this man and I have are all over the place. And I need to ground myself in You. I still find it hard to shine your light through certain conversations. Please teach me this.

ioncewasfound:

They will know you are my disciples by your creeds, your beliefs, your political positions, your visions, your principles, your plans, etc

Not John 13:35

at my best.

i’m at my best when i focus on You.

i am happiest when i depend on You.

when i am blessed by You, 

blessed by You

blessed by You.

turn my eyes away from the world and it’s ways, oh Lord.

—————

i swear i’m a better person when i have a good cup of coffee in the morning.

- woke at 5am, quickly did outline and ppt for presentation

- showered, had toasted buttermilk cranberry banana loaf that i made

- good conversation with H

- was nervous, was real

- went 8:30 for a max 7min presentation, it’s okay.

- talked with a 2nd year, notlookbutfeelalike

- helped with assignment

- worked on report

- texting with V

- perfect timing meeting dad

- home, worked on report

- no tree, but made time for ab sculpt : )

- watched a bit of grammy nominee

- hung out with mom and bro

- worked more on report

- submitted it

- researched graphics card

- listening to new Bruno

- research about Christmas Trees

—————-

so this guy has an instant connection to him. maybe it’s the ethnicity?… maybe. the coolness in his voice has he explains things, his slight openness to questions and ideas… mm. i enjoyed our conversation, did you? i just want to know you better.

know you better.

know you better now.

answered.

i was anxious about my tuition fees. from my bank account, i am short over $1K for january.

i asked Him, and gave it to Him. 

1 Peter 5:7
Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.

Psalm 55:22
Cast all your cares on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken.

got home. mom was cheery and received good news.

all is well. praise God.

composition.

i’ve been avoiding writing, there’s something about it that is absolutely terrifying.

it’s not like a tweet, 140 characters or less, you don’t have to develop any thought, you say what is at the tip of your mind, and then you leave it at that.

there is a s w e e t looking barista at this coffee shop. i wonder what kind of struggles he goes through, what he’s going through right now. do you think he might have a girl/guy on his mind? someone he’s longing after? or maybe he is worried about the future, planning his next big move in life… moving to a new city, changing jobs, writing a song. maybe he’s trying to learn to love himself, learning new things about his own character. discovering that he actually enjoys someone’s company, or that he has a hostility towards his parents, and he’s trying to work through it.

how many stories does one person have to tell?

it feels easier to just accept something for the way it is, rather than work through it to discover the real reason. 

he’s just mean.

she’s just too stupid to get it.

but when someone sits down and asks you, why do you do react this way? what taught you to be this way? who has hurt you or influenced you to think that you’re not good enough?

what are you made of.

emotional fog.

i am completely drained by other people, Lord. is that supposed to happen?

especially by those closest to me.

it’s probably because those closest to me will be the ones who actually let me in on their problems. and can expect things of me.

aye.

love

love

love.

help

help, help, help.

father, take this burden off of me and my brother. take it off of my parents.

this evil that has plagued this family, it has poisoned us.

take us and make us new again, clean us with Your blood.

i’m not sure what to do, when do interfere, when to speak.

all i can utter is “help”, “where are you, come save us please”

my guts turn inside me whenever their voices even raise the slightest bit.

tension builds and i want to throw up.

i want to comfort my brother, but i can’t even comfort myself.

lord, where are you? please here my prayer, answer your child… who is hurting.

oh heart,

why are you so weary and tired?

drink from His fountain, His well, His living water.

you will never grow thirsty again.

how can i trust it though? trust that it’ll keep me satisfied, keep me full?

Lord, teach me how to pray from the depths of my heart. Pray for Your kingdom. Pray for Your will, and not my own.

please Lord, the world is spinning, my mind is spinning. i’m not sure i can get through this year on my own. 

oh heart, set your eyes on the Lord, for He will not let you grow weary.

on heartbreak.

im not sure where to start this. or if i’m even supposed to be writing this.

lets make this a prayer. because God hears the cries of my heart anyway.

Dear Lord,

heartbroken before i have even fallen in love. not with a boy, but for my parents. 

their marriage has been falling apart since day 1. no progression, but it has been in a constant decline. how do i even deal with this kind of situation? it’s gotten to a point where i told my own dad to get out tonight. get out of this family. start something new for yourself. Lord, i see no hope in this marriage.

Lord, have mercy on me. forgive me for the words i’ve said and the emotions i feel. how is it even possible that their own child would want them to have a divorce? a permanent separation? something that is detestable in Your eyes, unless under certain circumstances. 

is this the right circumstance yet, Lord? where there poisoned relationship with each other is interfering with their relationship with You?

forgive me, oh Lord, for not trusting in Your almighty power to get through this. for not praying for them enough. for not loving them enough.

i thought i did though Lord, at least… for mom. i love her so much… and i thought i showed it enough. but it doesn’t work… when i don’t love my dad just the same. I TRY LORD, I TRY. CAN YOU HEAR ME???

from the depths of my heart, i’m asking you to come into their marriage. do whatever is in Your will, but Lord, please… PLEASE do it fast.

i can’t take much more. it’s been 20 years since i’ve been alive, and some of the only moments from my childhood i recall have been yelling, screaming, slamming doors, threats of milk on the piano, yelling down hotel corridors, arguments in front of my dad’s family and church friends.

my brother is growing older. he is 12 now! please spare him this hurt and this pain. spare him growing up so fast… 

mom… she tries. i know she does. but with her past, her current stresses, her aging… there’s almost no hope. God needs to give her the strength, the courage, the humbleness to overcome this, and she needs to accept His help to love dad.

dad… he tries as well. but he tries from his own strength. it’s hard to know whether he trusts God as his Saviour. he wants to take things into his own hands all the time, and when things don’t come out as expected, he gets frustrated and loses it. God, help him. 

God, talk hold of both of them and shake them violently. show them the truth. Your truth.

Holy Spirit, work within us, teach us, comfort us, love us. TRANSFORM US. 

Your promise is deeply imprinted into my heart without me knowing. i cling to Your promise, hoping, hoping, hoping that it is true. i’m trying to put my faith in You, i’m trying.

praise God, from whom all blessings flow.
praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost,
amen.